The Meteorologist In Us All

Everyone's a meteorologist.

I know this because trained, professional meteorologists predicted recently that a substantial winter storm was coming to Connecticut, with a "plowable" amount of snow.

Since when, by the way, did we start calling snow “plowable?”

Anyway...

The more interesting thing was that, in addition to this television broadcast, I heard four different forecasts from people I know who are not trained, professional meteorologists.

One said that we were supposed to get over a foot.

Another said we were getting 8 to 12 inches.

Another said the weather system was blowing out to sea.

Another, citing the European model, was not ready to make a commitment, but heard of the impending storm, and was prepared to go on the record with something official after the next update in six hours.

The most amusing part of all this confusion was that the non-professional people – otherwise known as “ordinary citizens” - started making predictions approximately a week in advance of the alleged weather event. A week! There is no scientific way that even trained, professional meteorologists can make accurate predictions a week from the expected impact. (Let's debunk the Farmer’s Almanac right now.) But, all it takes is one quick, casual "looks like a storm MAY be headed our way next weekend" type of comment and suddenly we are bracing for record snowfall, record cold, a sleet pellet, a gust of wind, lower than normal barometric pressure, an icicle may form, etc.

So, yes, it's important to place some of the blame here on the media. How can you not, when the top story on TV news is weather-related 99.4 percent of the time. This has been known to happen on warm, pleasant days.

Sample anchor to meteorologist conversation:

"Look, Gerry, a third day that we've come within two degrees of the all-time, historic average."

"The average? But doesn't that mean everything's normal?"

"Yes! But we have had consistently average readings now for THREE STRAIGHT DAYS!"

 "Wow, that is remarkable... Now onto a developing story out of Enfield, where there is confirmed evidence that Martians have landed on I-91, stopping four lanes of traffic. Our Weather Watcher Bob has taken some grainy pictures that rival the 1969 Northern California camera footage of Bigfoot."

If you watch the weather a lot, you know that this is basically true.

Seriously, though, keeping an eye on the weather is a primary source of entertainment for those who, come winter, do not or cannot escape the Northeast for warmer climates. Media outlets of course know this, and in their quest for higher ratings, they are constantly renaming their radar technology. What was once just plain Doppler radar has become 3-D First Alert Exact Track Live Pinpoint Doppler, and - actually I find this to be pretty cool - it can show if a funnel cloud is currently swallowing your house. You don't even have to look out the window.

Last week, I noticed that one local station now has an SUV that actually looks like it is equipped to chase tornados. It has various antennas, little satellites, and huge lightning bolts on the doors. Actually, I'm not sure about the lightning bolts, but I believe there were two huge speakers mounted on the vehicle’s roof featuring a looped recording that the end of the world is drawing near, so you better fill up on yummy stuff like bread and milk while you can.

So, you can see how this endless cycle, which grows more intense each year, turns everyone into a meteorologist. We all want to know when the world is going to end. Or at least we want to know when the first snowflake, which will undoubtedly lead to the end of the world, will fall.