Wrestling with the $%^&#!* carseat

This summer, I've surpassed every around-the-house self-expectation concerning yard, house and car maintenace - except for one thing.

I've replaced a rear tail light in my car, the rear windshield wiper on my wife's car. I've even replaced the flapper thing in the tank behind the toilet upstairs.

These may seem to be normal, simple things to take care of, but for someone who truly despises, and has no talent for, mechanical things, they took sincere effort. The only thing that kept me from paying someone else to do them was that I'd be laughed at when doing it.

Recently, though, we got a new car seat for me to install, a feat which brought me to the breaking point. Again.

I hate installing these things. The companies do not make it easy. The process makes me sweat intensely and swear to myself. This time I got rug burns on my knees from trying to use my body weight to push the seat down.

This is the fifth or sixth one I've put in (even though we have only two kids). But they tend to get nasty after a certain time (the carseats, not the kids) - about one year - since kids eat and drink and spill and vomit in them. Kids also grow fast in a year, outgrowing them pretty quickly.

And then there's the latest safety regulations that seem to change every three or six months. The car seats that we have now, for instance, make the ones we first bought five years ago, look like they belonged to the Flintstones, or some similar time period.

The old seat that I ripped out was supposed to be "the best one" and it cost more than $200. But it didn't hold up very well for a one-year-old; our daughter Alison pretty much destroyed it.

I lost the instructions for the new one, a Graco, but wasn't worried since the prodeure is more or less the same. Our car has LATCH clips which are supposed to make it easier. However, it is difficult to get the belts tight enough. This led to the scabs on my left knee as I pounced on the car seat with all my weight.

The thing with car seats is you're not supposed to put them in half-ass, like I usually do things. You've got to really secure them; they're not supposed to move at all.

Once, when we went to a police station a few years ago to get ours checked, the cop asked, "Who installed this seat? as it wobbled around like a loose tooth. "Um, I think it was my brother-in-law," I said. (We'll see if my brother-in-law really reads this now.)

After spending an hour in the driveway putting in the latest car seat, even taking it out and starting over because of a folded-over belt (ugh!), I felt relatively satisfied. It shook a little, but seemed generally safe. No, it's definitely safe. It barely shakes.

But if anyone knows how to get them to remain completely still, I won't resist the help.