My frustrations with golf

The other day, I was exercising on an elliptical machine at the gym (30something suburban guys tend to use these in increasing numbers - they're soft on the knees) and golf was on the TV in front of me. I was wearing headphones to my mp3 player so I couldn't hear the telecast, but as I watched golfers drive and putt and chip and walk across grass that's too green to be natural, I felt myself tensing up. I hate golf, and here I was just watching it, feeling frustrated about the game.

This doesn't happen with any other sport for me - basketball, baseball, tennis, volleyball, bocce - in most sports I can at least hold my own. But I suck at golf, despite somewhat sincere efforts to hold the club right, swing it correctly, follow through, don't look up, keep the head down, feet spaced properly apart, etc. There seems to be too much involved in the game for me to find success in it. It requires no real athletic ability, hence it's a game and not a sport. It's technical - a slight weight shift one way and the balls in the woods. Your shoulder dips and you're in the water. It's maddening.

Today, I went to get a gift certificate for my father-in-law at a local golf course. Even driving there, I was sort of dreading having to walk into the clubhouse, past legions of Saturday golfers, dressed with the standard dress, wearing cleats of all things, just being out of my element. In the parking lot, a guy who was getting his cleats on was talking to another about his "shaft." (Golf club part, I believe.) There happened to be a tournament there, so the course was packed. Dozens of golf carts were lined up, ready to go. Guys were on a practice putting green, looking very serious, like PGA serious.

Golf has too many obnoxious rules. Players must wear collared shirts, for instance. This is stupid. They should be able to wear sneakers and tshirts.

Golf etiquette is another thing that I don't get. You can't walk in front of someone's "lie", or the space between his golf ball and the hole. Even when he's not putting. And of course, golf courses are obscenely quiet places. You can't talk when someone's driving because it might screw them up. This is another reason why golf is not a sport. In basketball, baseball, football, any true sport, there's a crowd, there's a home team and an away team, and the crowd taunts the away team. I think golfers should have to endure taunts from the crowd. After all, a golfer can win more than $1 million for a 4-day tournament. Why must their performance be uninterrupted? I also think golfers should play in the rain. (Not a lightning storm, of course. I'm not looking to get anyone killed.)

If some changes were made to turn golf into a bit more of a casual game, the playing field might be leveled out a bit. I might actually be more competitive. And if I weren't, at least I wouldn't have to worry about walking in front of someone's ball. Under my rules, I'd like to be able to kick it.