The allegedly useful Mosquito Magnet

Today was an unofficial spring cleaning day around here. It was sunny, for one, and the temperature was almost 50. When you're stuck inside for four months, a day like today seems like summer.

Some raking got done. We put out the new patio set.

And then my wife said something that I have long feared. "We need to take out the Mosquito Magnet."

The first thing I should say about the mosquito magnet, which allegedly baits mosquitos and disintegrates them into a fine dust, is that it is not a "we" thing. It's a "me" thing. It is one of the responsibilities I have inherited, because I know how to operate it. My wife loves the thing, and she claims that it rids our yard of mosquitos, but she does not know how to turn the machine on, or attach the propane tank to the hose, where to put the smelly, poisonous bait (WARNING: IF YOU TOUCH THIS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS, YOU WILL DIE.) or any of the few things you need to know how to do to get the thing to work.

I'm sure every spouse out there has acquired some responsibility that they wouldn't have chosen to take on themselves. But because the other person finds value in it, we must continue, year after year after year. The only solace is finding something for your spouse to do that you don't want to do.

This describes what has happened with the mosquito magnet.

The machine is powered by electricity, so you need to run an extension cord from your nearest outlet to a inconspicous place in your yard. I do that.

It runs out of propane about once a month, so I'll be going to ACE Hardware soon to start that tradition. You have to buy overpriced bait at Home Depot a few times a summer.

Maintenance gets pricey. Last year, I ran over the cord with the lawn mower even though I tried to bury the wire. A replacement cost $40, and so we were without the MM for a month or so. To be honest, I didn't see the mosquitos come back.

Caring for this thing makes me want to screen in the entire backyard. It's not necessarily that it takes that much time - the biggest thing is moving it when I mow the grass - it's that it's not my thing. I didn't choose it. I didn't want it. And now I'm taking care of it - like the dog my dad didn't want when I was a kid that he ended up walking every morning for 13 years.

I am NOT bringing out the machine when I see my first mosquito. I will wait until I see a considerable group of them. I may even wait until I find the mosquitos' carefully written plans to take over my backyard, at which time I will know that there is a sincere attempt on the part of these bugs to start bothering us. When this conspiracy is revealed, I might just try to reason with them, sit them down, offer them some drinks, and talk about this rationally, rather than lug out the big machine. We might try a little bargaining - like they can bite certain people who visit us, but not the family that lives here.

I don't know if it's realistic, anyway, to eliminate mosquitos from the yard, in the first place. I think if they want to come here, they will, regardless of how much propane, poison and extension cords are hooked up to my machine.

To help persuade my wife of my ideas, I need to make up some theory, or say I read something online about mosquito behavior. I can say something like mosquitos are like hornets, wasps and bees - you don't want to provoke them - which is what the mosquito magnet does. They'll just bite you harder. They'll go after our kids. They'll steal our cable.

I just need a good citation.